November 29, 2005

“Wounded Healer”

The tears splashed down on Daniel’s cheeks as Elsie rocked her son.  The attending physician pulled the curtain and gently said, “He’s gone.” I had known Daniel since he was seven days old and now he was dead at nineteen months! Elsie’s tear soaked eyes met mine and asked, “Why did Daniel have to die?”  I was praying for Daniel, my hand resting on his head, when I felt him take his last breath.  Daniel’s father wept uncontrollably, Daniel’s older brother hid in the bathroom and his older sister clutched her doll.  

There were days I dreaded walking into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). Three long-term patients and their families with whom I’d developed relationships over the last year and a half were all in the PICU.  Josh, (who you may remember from a previous Chaplain Chronicle) was actively dying of cancer (and died two weeks later), six month old Abby was undergoing life-threatening complications from open heart surgery (she recovered), and now, sweet baby Daniel was gone.  I was overcome by my own grief and began to cry. 

As I looked at Daniel, I recalled how many times we thought he wouldn’t make it.  Time after time, the medical team worked to save Daniel.  He’d be taken off the kidney transplant list and then he’d be placed back on the list.  Hope was frequently revived!  Daniel’s Mom regularly asked for prayer but Daniel’s father, though respectful of Elsie’s beliefs, did not believe in God.  He was unable to divorce God the Father from his earthly father. 

Interestingly enough, Daniel’s sickness prompted a spiritual reevaluation in Elsie and an awakening in Daniel’s father.  She was convicted that she was asking God to heal her son and grasping at control through harmful addictions.  Over time, Elsie experienced Jesus’ life changing power and Daniel’s father took notice.  Then he began asking me several faith related questions!  I recall the first time Daniel’s father wanted to be included in prayer for his son.  The three of us engaged in regular theological chats. It was only a month ago they said, “What if God doesn’t heal him on this earth?”  Daniel’s mother and father knew that he would be healed on the other side of eternity.  I wanted to say something, do something, anything to make it better, but now gazing at Daniel’s lifeless body, it seemed only appropriate to cry with them.

Months later, I sat down to read John’s account of Lazarus’ death.  “When Jesus saw Mary weeping [over the death of her brother] and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled and Jesus wept (John11:33, 35).  It has been said, “The God who mourns with us is the same God who will one day rejoice with us.”  He is the Wounded Healer.

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*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the patients and their families.